Finding Damo

The story of a man, his job, two cats and the meaning of success.

Archive for the tag “apple”

24 Apr 2016

Terms and Conditions

TERMS-AND-CONDITIONS-MAY-APPLY-APPLEShereen just upgraded her IOS version. Every time we do that, it comes up with the “I have read the Terms and Conditions” button. We click that, we state that we are using the software as long as we agree to follow whatever mandatory rules the company put forward for us to follow.

And we lie.

We lie because only a tiny percentage of people actually read the terms and conditions. For anything. Rented a house? Sure, I’ve read the terms and conditions. Bought a new car? Sure I’ve read the terms and conditions. Adopted a child? Sure I’ve read the … wait, did that say Son of Satan?

Here are a couple of the things you are signing away when you click the button/sign along the dotted line/dip your quill in the bloody ink.

IMG_5162From my car insurance:

“We will not cover any loss, damage or liability as a result of:

  • War or warlike activity:
    • War does not have to be declared
  • Hostilities, rebellion, insurrection or revolution
  • Contamination by chemical and/or biological agents, which results from an act of terrorism
  • Anything nuclear or radioactive

From Apple:

  • You can only belong to one Family at a time, and may join any Family no more than twice per year.
  • Consult a doctor before using the products offered through the iTunes Service
  • APPLE DOES NOT REPRESENT OR GUARANTEE THAT THE APP AND BOOK SERVICES WILL BE FREE FROM LOSS, CORRUPTION, ATTACK, VIRUSES, INTERFERENCE, HACKING, OR OTHER SECURITY INTRUSION, AND APPLE DISCLAIMS ANY LIABILITY RELATING THERETO.
  • Apple reserves the right to take steps Apple believes are reasonably necessary or appropriate to enforce and/or verify compliance with any part of this Agreement.

This is what you’re signing when you click “I agree”. No changing families. Buy the virus-filled apps and ibooks. And if Apple decides that they should murder your first-born to enforce and/or verify compliance with their agreement, well, you just agreed that that is ok as well.

futurama-devil2Did you hear about the company that had a clause in their T&Cs that gave them ownership of the user’s immortal soul? It was an April Fool’s joke, but it made a very clear point: people don’t read the terms and conditions. Any self-respecting evil overlord would take advantage of this.

So, I’m going to create an app. It will be marvellous. Everybody will want it. And I’ll have all of the basic terms and conditions. But, just for those people who don’t read the terms and conditions, I’ll add in a few of my own.

So as a warning, here they are. Read them carefully. And choose whether you want my cool app, or whether it’s just not worth it.

CoolApp Terms and Conditions

  1. The developer takes no responsibility for any damage this app might cause to the machines or devices the app invades.
  2. There is a good chance that this app will never be updated again. The developer makes no apologies for this, so get over it.
  3. The developer will remove access to any user who scores the app less than five stars on the app store.
  4. The developer might make certain demands of users. By accepting these terms and conditions, you are accepting that these demands are fair and reasonable and that you will abide by these demands in a timely manner. These demands may include (but are not limited to):
    1. The user will provide safe haven for the developer and any associates that may need sanctuary.
    2. The user is expected, with fair notice, to contribute to a standing army to defend the holdings and lands of the developer in times of war.
    3. The developer may, on occasion and again with fair warning, visit the user’s home and at that time, should be provided with food and lodging. Moreover, a ball should be held in the developer’s honour, at the full expense of the user.
  5. The app has been extensively tested, but the developer will not be held liable for damages caused by effects outside of the standard test cases. For example, portal rifts leading to alien invasion shall not be deemed the fault of the developer.
  6. In the case that the developer requires a liver, spleen, brain, heart or other vital organ, the user will go to any length to provide the developer with said organ (no questions asked). The developer will endeavour to return the organ in a timely manner but cannot assure the quality of the returned item.
  7. Your genetic code, facial likeness and other personal information may be used by the developer for various purposes set out in the privacy document. The user accepts any liability for actions taken by the resulting robotic clone.

Did I miss anything? You have been warned.

Posted in conspiracy theories, Pondering, rant, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment
09 Jun 2015

Break the Shackles of Badge Oppression

This is my games folder. It goes on a bit. This is my work iPad. I don’t see a problem with having a games folder on my work iPad. Of course, I’m an adult rather than a teenager with all of the impulse control of Winnie the Pooh at the Barnes Honey factory.

games-screen

But games in themselves aren’t the problem. Time management is the problem. There have been times, dark times, when I was ruled by the little red badge on the games icon. Or on the Facebook icon. The little red badge and the drop down notification bar were my masters and I pandered to their every will. ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY RED BADGE!

I’m better now.

We are humans. We are not ruled by the robots. That is still coming. For now, we are the ones that should be in charge of the little “smart” phones and other devices we own, not the other way around. To that end, I say:

Take charge! Invade their homes, find the evil time-suckers and kill them and their smug little red, round, everlasting requests for attention.

No, I don’t mean your kids. I mean that there are very few apps on your device that have a legitimate claim to your immediate attention. The rest can wait until you choose to open them and have a look.

all of the things to do to get rid of notificationsDo this, if you are in possession of an iDevice:

  1. Go to Settings. Click on Notifications
  2. Choose a particularly annoying app.
  3. Strip it of all of its power.

Honestly, on your iPad, you might need to know when someone has sent you a Mail. You possibly have a valid reason for knowing that someone has sent you an iMessage. Beyond that, the iPad needs to get its grubby mitts off your life.

It’s time. Time to take back your life. Throw off the red circles of iPad oppression! Break the bars of Banners. Tell Homer Simpson and the Smurfs to get back in their boxes. You’ll get to them when you’re good and ready.

all of the apps that notify me of stuff.Your homework: go through your apps list in the Notification Center. Decide, with all seriousness, how many of these apps need notifications. And turn as many of them off as you possibly can.

Enjoy your newfound free time.

Posted in ICT, productivity, tech tips and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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